


Numb

by morgay



Series: Across Time and Space [11]
Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid, The X-Files
Genre: ATAS, Across Time and Space, Angst, Angstoholic still, Cussing, Depression, Grief, I enjoyed writing this, Mulder Torture, Mulder has problems, Oneshot, Oops, Sad, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, Vulgar Language, mental health, self hate, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 21:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13843719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgay/pseuds/morgay
Summary: Mulder grieves over his losses (10).Mid-shot to Across Time and Space.





	Numb

A blanket of darkness covered his vision.

He was  
...  
 _Numb_.

That was the only thing Fox Mulder felt.

It spread through his body, his fingers feeling cold and his heart hardly thumping in his chest. His face was pale, his feet were sprawled out on the floor, blood splattered all around him. Fuck... fuck.. what the fuck had happened?

He groaned loudly, trying to pick his head up but it only resulted in a broken groan wrenching from his throat. It felt like his head was caved in, everything had been buzzing then it had gone black and now... now he couldn't feel anything.

A few coughs spluttered out of his mouth. _Crash!_ That was all he remembered. Mulder had been fine. He'd just been walking by the window, staring at the X the big scary black dude informant had put there, and then when he'd turned the other way to catch a glimpse of his fish...

Mulder lifted his hand weakly, feeling like the muscles in his arms were non-existent. He squinted his eyes to get a better look at the blood, but found he was also drenched in water.

Oh, fuck.

"FUCK!" Mulder yelled, jerking upward and hissing in pain. He nearly slumped back down but caught himself on the table. Stupid fucking drunk ass dipshit. Why the fuck was he so pathetic and always drinking and always being a pussy and—

His eyesight was blurry at first, but eventually cleared to see what had happened. His fish tank must have fallen over, collapsed right on his head. Water and blood covered the floor but he didn't care, he just...

He just cared about his fish.

Wow. Mulder didn't even know what to say about himself. If _fish_ were his only friends then he clearly needed to kill himself already. _God damn FUCK!_ he screamed in his mind, wanting to tear his hair out and slam his head through a brick wall and put a gun to his head and—

Mulder forgot those thoughts as he scrambled forward, his body feeling like it weighed tons as he stared at the fish he'd had for so long. Years. _Dead_.

Grief engulfed his heart. It showered him in darkness and made his eyelids fall and his body tense up. He curled up against the nearby chair and grabbed one—Guppy, his fucking favorite—and set it in his hand. And he got flashbacks of his horrible parents and screamed and kicked and punched the people that weren't in the room and cried and had those suicidal thoughts all over again.

 _Everyone I love dies._ _Everyone I love dies._ **Everyone I love dies. EVERYONE I LOVE DIES.**

The thoughts sent him spiraling into that peaceful humming again. Fuck he was insane, wasn't he? Mulder almost laughed but realized that would make him sound crazier. Damn, he was surprised he hadn't been locked up in a fucking mental asylum already. How had no one seen what he'd done to himself? The many times he'd attempted suicide? How he'd cut as a young adult? How he would flinch every time his father stepped close to him, or look away when his mother stared at him, or stare at the sky whenever he thought of Samantha and whether or not she was even still alive?

 _Numb_  
Numb  
Numb  
N u m b  
N  u  m  b  
n u    m       b

Or what about when he remembered all the times he'd been manipulated by the people he loved? Or when he'd pushed Scully away when she got with Colin? Fuck, how he was pushing _Rodrick_ away. Mulder was killing himself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. He didn't need a gun, nor did he need bullets. All he needed was the power of his mind. To bring everything crashing down, to get the karma he deserved, to fuck himself over as many times as he could because hurting other people was NOT OKAY and Mulder would NEVER forgive himself for that.

 _n u m  b_  
c a l m  
c   a  l           m  
n   u     m  b  
b u z z z z z zzz

The buzzing sound. There it was. It sent Mulder into a comforting and peaceful void, the man leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling. It wasn't even about the fish. This was just a message. A message to tell him that every person he loved would die, they would break him open from the inside out and tear him apart then die.  Leaving him with nothing but his thoughts, the thoughts that would always plague him and would coil around his heart and squeeze until he couldn't breathe.

the numbness  
was it returning?

_bzzzzz  
b z zzzz zz_

_b z zzz zz    zz  zz...._


End file.
